My Hopes

Do you ever think that you really love your spouse, but they are never going to be the image of what you first thought they were? Do you ever look at your life, and wonder if you are the only person who really wants more out of it, and think that your partner may have been perfect at one time, but is now a distant roommate that you care deeply for, but feel like has no ambition while you are a person who has what may be considered too much ambition? 

Sometimes I feel like there isn't a person on this planet who understands me, or ever could. There was a time I thought that it may have been possible for someone to, but through the years it seems to me that may not be the case. Before I went into college I sat my family down, and I told them all that this was a very serious matter. That it would be a complete change in what happened daily. I explained to them they would have more responsibility. That I would have less, and less time to be a stay at home mother who cooks, cleans, does laundry, washes dishes, grocery shops, and just does whatever a family needs a mother to do.

The truth of the matter is I love my family, but I have never enjoyed the domestics of being a wife, and mother. I spent seven years in a terrible marriage to a terrible person, and had three kids out of that relationship. When I left I got a taste of freedom that I really loved. I lived my life, and did what I wanted to do. I worked, and cared for my daughter. I enjoyed that. I liked having that kind of independence, but I missed having a friend, or companion to spend my days with. 

I met my husband a year after I left my ex. He was great. He was a soldier, he had ambitions. He had something to make him feel like he was a man, and I really appreciated that. I really respected him, and I really loved the soul inside of him. Jerry, and I got married a year and three months later. I feel let down in a lot of ways, and he has changed a lot. I've tried to be supportive many times. I have tried to be what I thought he wanted, but I am starting to feel like maybe I am not wife material. Maybe the problem rests in me, and not him. Maybe my expectations of what a man, father, and husband should be are more than he can give. I love him, but I feel that every time I ask him for anything he gets upset. If I say he is doing something wrong he argues. He never wants to fix the problem, and he takes shots at me for wanting to be a writer. He says I haven't done anything, but I look at my likes, fans, sales, and successes and I think does nobody see what I have done here? Does nobody understand that I realized that I was the only one who could make my family's life better? 

The sacrifice that the cost is less family time. Less chances to be the stay at home mom. Less chances to be able to be Betty Crocker, or June Cleaver. Does this mean there is something wrong with me? Does this mean I am not the kind of woman that people think I should be? All I want is my family to see my struggles, and understand my position. I want my husband to find ambition, and goals again. I want him to be the man I believed he was, and still do. Sometimes I feel like maybe that will never happen. Sometimes I feel like I will continue to climb this ladder, and lose my relationship with my best friend in the process. Why can't I have a relationship, and family like other authors do? With husbands who support their work, work hard to keep the house together, and the family straightened out. I am trying so hard, and nobody understands. The reward in this is what I can give to my kids, and to him. In the end nobody gets the truth about me.

I carry DMD. My life expectancy is 40 years. This is a fact. I am going to be thirty in seven months. That means I have a decade to get this right, and leave my children, and Jerry something that amounts to a decent life when i am gone. Life doesn't hold much for me. I don't want anything, but to publish these books, and give my family the dividends. Then I want to pass on, and meet my Maker. I want to be free from a life that has been filled with pain, and very few good memories. I want to be with God, and leave them with my legacy. I wish that people could understand me. I wish that they could see what it is I really desire most. I pray God will answer my deepest heart's desire. I have a decade. I hope I get it right. I hope that everything I have done gives them the life they can finally be happy with. 


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